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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in xrainbowsplashx's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, September 10th, 2009
11:06 pm
like a punch in the face
theres this constant silent ring in my head.. one that i nor anyone else can hear but i know is there.
theres a monster in my belly who is scratching and scratching. one day he'll claw his way out of there and that will be the end.
its like...a demond has...injected me with a full dose of anger. only this drug last for more than just a few hours.. it last for a few...well im not sure how long it will last. i hate drugs.. so to be under the influence constantly is just.. the worst thing i could ask for. when im not angry.. im sad.
can someone inject me with a full dose of happiness? thats a drug i will take right now. i don't even remember how that feels. i forget how it feels to smile..without it hurting. without it feeling like its stretching my face so hard.
you know how when you have dry skin. especially on your face annd.. it feels so tight.
i wish i could smile without it feeling that way.
i wish i knew the reasons why i am so angry all the time. i also wish i could remember how to hide behind a fake smile. that seems so far away anymore. i used to be so good at it but like everything else.. thats been taken away from me.. i feel like i have no control over my mind. it decides everything i do which in fact is very true. but i feel like...im learning everything again almost.
again with the drugs. im a addict.. when something around i can't control. take life as my drug. and so bad i want control over my mind again.
she doesn't believe me when i say im in to deep. says "no such thing". but one day ill prove her wrong. its not liek i want to. i would love to prove her right but im so convinced that thats it. i do believe some people were here to teach others a lession. my lesson comes from misery. and that...will teach someone something.
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
7:17 am
help, i need somebody, help not just anybody.
i never thought i would ever let myself get this far.
just something else to add to the "FAIL" list.
that list is so long. i can't find anything if actually succeeded at.
i can't even succeed at cleaning my room.
or wakeing up not tired anymore.
or being in a good mood.

im any..99% of the time.. i couldn't tell you the last time i went a day without a single tear.
im sick of crying.. im sick of feeling worthless, and failing all the time. and everytime i finally try and talk about it.. obviously im not going to say it bluntly to them. but..its kinda just pushed aside and they change the subject. so i guess no one even wants to hear my sob story. i guess i don't really blame them. i just wish someone would see that im not longer on the edge.. ive fallen off.. and im just waiting to hit the ground head on.

i don't know what im doing anymore.. i have the worse memory. and i know it wasn't always like this.. everything kinda just seems like a blur now. and nothing even matters. ive lost all interest in everything...even my girlfriend.. maybe shes right.. maybe i just suck. the whole situation were in with our relationship...if you dare to call it that.. maybe it is all just my fault. i don't deserve her.. she was right when she said that. i don't do anything right with her i don't know why she stuck around.. i don't know why she took me back the first time.. i don't know why she wanted me back the second time.. for what? so she can sit there miserable all the time.. so i can make her miserable all the time? how is this fair to her?

im just so sorry.. words can't describe how sorry i am.. for ruining everything. for makeing everything such a mess. i just suck. i suck at this game. im loseing. im sure theres something ican do im just to stupid to even see it.

what happens when you lose this game?
i guess maybe ill find out soon.
Tuesday, June 9th, 2009
9:33 pm
its whatever.
i honestly don't even know what to do with or about myself anymore. i just feel so messed up. and i feel like im failing miserably at everything i do. thats my biggest wish.. to accept myself for everything i am. im so sick of seeing people have so much confidence. and what not and i have 0. and it seems like day by day even more of its taken away from me.. how can that be possible when i have 0 to start with?

i don't even feel like talking to anyone anymore. i have nothing to say.. and when i do go out.. it never fails that i end up comin home in a bad mood wishing i listened to myself in the first place by saying "im never leaving my house again". i say that on a daily basis..annnd..yeah nope.. always for some reason think its going to be a good day.i just need something different.. a drastic change.. something huge. i don't know what though.. im doing things little by little.. changing things.. did my hair.. getting tan.. yanno.. the works.. but thats not really changing how i feel. at all.. i guess when im at my goal ill be happier..i hope.

i was chillin in the living room yesterday minding my own biz.. looking at the love of my life (kassia medor) <3333 and my mom just comes out and said "look to see how much it is to fly to cali..you need to get out of here". heck yes i need to get out of here! lol really.. sooooo. im going to talk to my aunt.. annnd hopefully in october or so ill be out of here for at least 2 weeks.

also the other day i was sitting outside.. and my mom started talking about things.. and she said "(insert what she said here) i was getting really worried about you for a while you wernt looking good. (insert more here) unless its something i don't know about." so i mean.. i think she has a pretty good idea..i wanted to say something then but i just couldn't get myself to.. i think a lot of people are catching on now...how i don't know. i mean you can't even tell. but whatever.

i have to wake up at 6.. manda comes home tomorrow =] me and elise are going to pick her up in philly.kinda excited...maybe
Thursday, June 4th, 2009
1:54 am
oh hey
im never on LJ.. and im pretty sure everytime i post.. i apologize.. yet im not even sure if anyone reads it.. its whatever.. guess it just gives me something to do.

anyway. my life has been compleatly insane lately. lets start out wittttthhhhh......
ok.. sooo.. ive wanted braces basically my whole life.. maybe not my whole life but since i was young.. ive always hated my teeth and thats a big part of me not accepting who i am. we'll get to the rest of that story a little bit later.. but anyway.. i also want to go to school. a very good school..with a teacher named tom savini..maybe youve heard of it? heck yes... tom savini.. amazing. like really.. thats a honor.. and with the other instructors at that school.. who are also high quality.. and known for their work. uhm. yeah no totally.. i will learn to do backflips to go to this school. no joke. but also.. i need a car. now for a while.. this all was a very big stuggle for me trying to decide what i was going to do first.. im 21 years old.. if i go to school first.. im going to be getting braces at the age of like..23..if im lucky.. and i need to keep them on for about 2 years so yeah..ill have braces until im 25-26..really? sweet.. except thats the one thing i didn't want is to be to old to have metal brackets in my mouth.. brace face much? yeah....thats hot. buuuut if i got braces first.. that would mean i would have to wait to go to school..his school is the longest makeup school ive heard of.. a year and 4? months. soooo..if i got braces first.. i would be....maybe..23 going into school.. 24 graduating.. another thing i didn't want to do with my life.. sit around working at target waisting my life away. and the car thing.. oh yeah.. need that before i go to school. like really. i love how im rich and i can afford this stuff or else it would really suck.....oh wait. sooo..i finally decided that even though i 100% hate myself. and how i look. and havent purposly smiled since...basically forever.. im going to go to school first.. because it is more important and it is more logical. it sucks.. because they are both things i really want.. but i also said i didn't want to start my life until i was happy with myself.. at this point in my life though im not sure ill ever be happy with myself.

ok so onward!! im absolutly crazy for my girlfriend.. really i am. but she really makes me feel like im worthless and don't deserve good.. so ok. anyway theres a lot to this whole story. everyone gets in their fights though right and im sure you don't want to hear me blab on about things that im sure youve either been though or hear on a daily basis with your friends so ill make this short and sweet and just skip to the most recent drama fest. ok.. our 6 month yeah? yeah.. happy 6th month baby youve been dumped! all because i lost my temper.. all because her "best friend" decides that she is somehow in this relationship also and has to message my phone (how she got my number...is a very good question)explaning how she wants to "give me advice". yanno.. im down. im like.. ok maybe this girl will finally open her small..pebble sized brain and see my through my eyes for even just a second.. i mean for real ive never even seen what this chick looks like and what? she wishes death on me?...yeahhhhhh.. ok but anyway.. in the meantime of her "giving me adive" she decides to tell me everything im doing wrong..things that MY GIRLFRIEND should be telling me...not her "best friend". but no.. not only does she tell me what im doing wrong in MY relationship.. she also decides to tell me basically how much of a terrible person i am.. now me and brit were already fighting.. and i didn't know because.. she never really does tell me why shes mad at me..the whole fight began with...me going over there...because i wanted to see her as much as i can.. when i got there i TOLD her that a friend wanted to hang out and that she would call me around 10. wellll..they didn't call me until about 12...2 extra hours yanno.whatever.. i was kinda like. ehhh not sure if i want to go. buuut i had just got back from vaca...with the girlfriend..and havent seen my friends in a while.. nor do i ever really see them. sooo she was getting a bit upset that i was ditcing her for the 2end time...2end day in a row. soooo. i say "well...i guess shes getting mad..sooo i guess i will go". yeah no.. apparently im not allowed to do that because thats what caused this whole rut.. anyway.. back to recent. and the whole its over thing.. soo anyway... while her "best friend" is telling me how much i don't appreciate brit and blah blah blah. saying how she should always be first on my list...candy coating it..basically saying i can't hang out with my friends only her...only in other words.. and yanno..just really really pushing my buttions.. i decide out of anger to message brit and tell her how i didn't know there was one person in a relationship.. and i didn't know it was a do what i say or else type thing... im sure there were aaa looooot of other words but.. i don't really remember.. a lot of it was just boiled up words because little lizzy (the bff) but the stove on super high for me. and again..saying things that brit should be telling me.. but since she doesn't talk to me about the way she feels about things.. i have to hear it from someone else.. yanno. it just set me off edge. soooo.... she tells me "i don't think we should be together anymore" via text...on our 6th month. yeah.. it was sweet.. she then apologizes and says "im sorry..i really am". no that was good for me.. i freaked even more and saidddd "no your not.. your breaking up with me over a text message..on our 6th month. you don't even care". she then proceeds to drive to my house.. i go outside.. yanno thining maybe we'll talk about it...no "well...here it is..you wanted me to break up with you in person so here i am". i then take the necklace she gave me just a few days later when she explains how much she cares about me and throw it at her car. and then walk away. buuut we did talk about it.. and things are ok.. she promised that she would work on it.. and i promised i would work on it.. she just feels like i care about my friends more.......which im really not going to get into at this moment...because there is a lot to this whole situation from day one to present time and i just don't feel like boreing you.

ok.. numero trace??...if thats how its said? maybe? no? ok.....
i have been STREEEEEEEESSSSSSSINNNNNNNNN. like hard core...to the max. just got back from vaca.. did very very very good. except the only nice day..i was so sick.. and didn't even want to get out of bed.. we went to the beach annnd..i almost pucked.. i never could understand how you could puke if there is absolutly nothing in your system. but..i don't know.. sooo.. she made me have some fruit. anyway get home. feelin really good about myself yanno. i mean i did fantastic. and lost mad weight. stooookkkkeddd. yeahhh...then i had a incodent. i felt sooo heavy that day i could barely walk. like.. i could feel the weight piling on. compleatly felt like a dissappointment to this whole world and jsut wanted to ccrawl under a rock until i desinagrated. but anyway. this isn't the point of the story. the point of the story is that ive been mad depressed about this for awhile. and im closer to the edge then i was before.. iim questioning if im even on the edge anymore.. i very well mightve fallen off long ago.. maybe im just floatin in the obyss waiting to drown now.. im not sure.. i guess we'll find out in time. soo i just need a buddy.. i need someone to like..text me constatly telling me how uh umpa lumpa i am and what not.. i just need a buddy because no one i know understands my mind.. and i think it would be totally rad if i foudn someone i could share my thoughts and yanno.. ushy gushy nonsense with and they might understnad even a little. it would probably make my life...just a little tiny bit easier. yeah..


ON A GOOD NOTE. totally got this amazing roxy bed set? yeahhh. really. this comforter...=madddd luv yo. when i lay in my bed...i feel heaven wrapping its loving...heavinly, cloudy arms around me. and if you think im jokeing.. well you just need to come right on over and test this out because this is no joke. this is serious buisness. i did not think you could make a comforter this comfty.....it comforts me. =]

wow yeah no..actually maybe i hope no one reads this... i never open up like that above paragraph. kinda uhhhh...new and embarassing for me....i just feel like a attention whore now.. fannnntabulousssss.

how do i even make this thing private?? i was looking buut i can't figure it out.
wouldn't that be funny if i was writing to myself right now? like.. me just typing away.. type type type..and who will read it... psh not you! not even me! so i guess really im just talking to...the computer.

ok..wow...yeah...
Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
4:47 pm
1 2 3 and go
so im done.
100% done. this is ridiulous. every single time i get ready to go out.. that person decides that they don't want to go out anymore.. so i end up sitting there...ready to go out...doing nothing. all the time. every time. you think im kidding? no.. no im not kidding.. i think that happened to me about 3 times just this week.

everytime i think things are starting to go good again. i get proven wrong. im so sick of being there for everyone. or trying to be. trying to be everyones friend. i forgive everyone for basially everything. i do what people ask of me.. even what they don't ask of me. i go out of my way to make sure that people are happy and what do i get out of it? nothing.. nothign at all.

im so sick of this stupid place.
these people.. personalities..faces..voices. everything here is waisting my time and digging my grave for me. i just need to get away. meet people i have never heard of.. never heard of me.. i just want to belong somewhere. and feel wanted somewhere..here i just feel like im being tossed around. or like im there when people have nothing better to do but then if they find something else. forget it. like really? what have i done to deserve this? i try so hard.. i know im not the best person. i know im not but i give it my all. and all the time i just get crushed.

i finally give my heart out. finally and sometimes it just seems like maybe that was a mistake. but ill never give up. thats farthest from my mind. i are way to much. i just don't know what to do anymore.. i feel so lost.. feel like such a waist of life.

and im sick of being in a bad mood from the moment i wake up to the moment i finally fall asleep.
i just want to be happy. any kind of happiness will do right now.
Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
3:54 am
i feel the need to update.
so i think ive been doing pretty good. i mean except with the eric thing. i really do miss him so much.
today was rough.. thankfully i had work.. kept my mind busy. but when i got home.. i was ok for  a little but then got really really angry. hours and hours of thinking it over and over again. but im better now. im not angry with him anymore. i understand its what he felt he needed to do.

for a good note. im in the process of bettering myself.. and i think im doing a pretty good job with it so far. its only been 1 day and im already starting to feel a change in myself.. i was looking at becky's photoshop and looking at all the pictures and wow...so many memories.. i miss them but i know there are going to be so much more.. but i saw all the silly faces she was making and i was thinking "wow i wish i could be like that.. not care what i look like" then i was like PSH THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO!!!!!!! haha. sooo eventually i got up. went in my bathroom and took a hard look at myself in the mirror.. now usually i would only look at myself to see if i looked at least decent.. but this time, my hair a mess and everything i just thought...wow im not as bad looking as i always thought i was.. im pretty. i don't give myself enough credit for the things i do..the efforts i make. and i put a stop to that right after i was done looking in the mirror. that is now the past.. i can't change the past.. i cna't better it in any way.. but i can better my future.. and i can better myself as a person which is exactly what im going to do and i wont stop until its done. not this time. ive said that several times.. that i was going to be confident in myself and what not. and i always tried at first but gave up so quick.NOT THIS TIME!  i wont give up i refuse. im putting so much work into it already. its a all day job really.. you mind never stops thinking.. once i have one negative though.. ex: "im stupid" i quickly change that into a "no your not your smart". i have to say im proud of myself for doing this. i am proud of myself for a lot of things.  for dealing with things, getting over things and getting myself away from others drama. anyway... since i thought of myself pretty tonight.. i decided to take some pictures.. and instead of looking at them and feeling my stomach turn in dislike...i actually liked them. normally i would be like "NOONE IS EVER SEEING THESE PICS!" but this time i was like.psh whatever. its ok to be silly. and if someone else doesn't like the picture whos problem is that? NOT MINE! its funny to know that im fighting myself in a way. mindpower or whatever you want to call it. when my mind goes one way i turn it around.. i know its not going to change over night.. i know it seems easy now.. and maybe thats the way its going to be..but maybe not. so i have to keep telling myself not to give up on myself because im worth ever fight with myself...? lol. yess FIGHT WITH MYSELF!! =D
i guess the real difficulty is going to be contact.. eye contact. but i worked on that today to! dannie (the girl training me in work), when she talks to me..i looked at her almost everytime. same thing when i was talking to her.. i think im doing good. anyway. its 4:07. and its waaaaay past my bedtime. haha.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC!!!! i know its past your b-day but really...your b-day doesn't end till i wake up in the morning. your such a special person and youll always have a special place in my heart. and a big part in my mind. i talk to you every day i know you hear me. im sorry i got so angry at you today. i really am.. i couldn't control it.. i don't want to hate you and im sorry for saying i wish i could. i would never hate you. i understand this is something you needed to do.. even if it ment hurting everyone. and i knwo that i will see you again. and i will get my first date with you. i will. im so excited for that day i go up in heaven and see you. i wonder if you will be there with roses or something.. a table set for 2.. will you make it all romantic? a candle in the middle? i don't know. i guess ill just have to wait and see.  not to much longer till your 1 year... don't know what im going to do.. i don't know what anyone is going to do.. we are all going to go crazy i know that much. but please try and keep us sane.. and try to keep us safe. i know your looking down on each and every one of us all the time. and you can't control what happens. but make sure...make it clear to everyone that you really are here..  everyone has nothing but love for you eric. youve scared us with this..but youve also left us scars of memories. memories that will never be forgotten.  i know asking you to send me a message or something is to much to ask for.. asking for the impossable.. but how about a appearance in a dream? maybe a shooting star or something? you know you are my shooting star.. always have been and always will be.. it would be the perfect way to show me your with me.. buut... i would really like to see you. a dream would be perfect.. maybe a shooting star in my dream...with you in it to? ill never foret that one dream.. thank you for that. i woke up with a smile on my face and even when i think of it i smile.. but i would really like another dream like that.. i hope its not to much to ask for. well eric..i know its kinda strange that im writing to you in a journal entry. ikinda just started typing and couldn't stop.. but i know your reading this right along as im typing it.  so i know you hear me. but anyways.. i love you so much eric. i wish you knew that.. and i miss you terribly.  <33333 rest easy eric. happy 22end birthday again dear. i know you had a good one! <33333
Sunday, September 9th, 2007
5:59 pm
its going to take a lot of work.
step one
-what is making you feel like you cannot get to the point in life you want to reach?
*feeling of being fat.
*feeling of being ugly.
*feeling of being annoying.
*feeling of being wear.
*feeling of beig shy.
*feeling of being stupid.

step two
-10 positive things. (this one i needed my moms help with. hah)
*creative
*loving
*friendly
*good listener
*go-getter
*understanding
*helpful
*imaganitive
*honest
*trusting

step 3
-Accept yourself and learn to love yourself for whom you are a person. Everyone has his or her own unique qualities and characteristics. We are all born differently for a reason. Do not compare yourself to others.

step 4
-
Be ready. Self-confidence comes a lot easier to the person who is sure their ready.

step 5
-
Strengthen your inner self. Write down in your journal what you will be able to do once you acquire the confidence you need.
*start coversations without feeling dumb or annoying
*be myself, who i want to be
*get what i want. =) (hopefully)
*feel better about myself
*be outgoing. not to be shy
*reach out for things i want instead of convincing myself not to.

step 6
-
Begin changing what you do not like about yourself. Confidence comes from within. You need to concentrate on the positive things about yourself.

step 7
-
Notice the change in our self-esteem and self-confidence. Reward yourself each time you do something that makes you feel proud...go out some place or take it easy for the day.

step 8
-
Learn how to give and take. Confidence is being able to find a balance between giving help to people and excepting when we need help.

step 9
-
Have a tremendous amount of pride in yourself. Remember, you are number one!

         so this is what im going to be working on...until i get to the point i want to be at. its going to be really hard work but i know i can do it. im tired of being low on myself..having no confedence.. and being shy. so before i get any older...i want to learn to be outgoing and what not.. meaning i have to train my mind...set it to think postiive about myself and everything else. i have a certion someone to thank for it. i do like him alot. we got on the topic of a relationship...he said that if im able to change that about myself (confidence and shyness) that he would like to be in a relationship with me. that gave me my boost.. which i needed.. even if things don't work out when i get to that point... i mean i will be dissapointed.. really disapointed but.. i will still have him to thank for me being me.. without holding back. i know its not going to be easy... and i know its going to take time. but i have to be patient with it and keep my head held high. because i WILL do this. if i don't i will be letting myself and a lot of people down and i refuse to do that..

erics b-day is tomorrow... im kinda happy i have work so it will keep my mind off of it a little. except during the day. i don't start work till 4:30. so i still have all morning and afternoon to think about it. iknow things will be ok though. hes ok. him and shawn are probably having a huge party for him up there.. 22 years old! wow how the years fly. seems like just a couple months ago he just turned 21. he was so excited.. i remember talking to him. hah. he was a great kid. not much longer till 1 year. its going to be so hard. but we'll get through it. all of us together.. ok well...here i go.. of to change the world.. so it seems.. changing my world.
Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
1:07 am
im so angry right now
im laying in bed and i can't even get comfortable because i have so much on my mind

becky was supposed to go to prom with me. prom is in 2 weeks.. she has yet to get money for the ticket.. which went on sale yesterday.. and i don't know when is going off sale so i needed the money asap. and she has yet found something to wear.. so i message her today asking if she got it yet and what not. she gets mad at me because i supposilty ask her everyday which isn't true.. last time i asked her was last week. because i found out they were going on sale. she tells me that shes not sure if she will be going or not.. REMINDER- prom is in 2 WEEKS!!!!! so i am just left to be surprised weather or not shes going. just sitting there waiting to see if im going compleatly alone or if she will be going with me. so ive come to the conclusion shes not going. trying to find some one else to go. messaged laura b. shes got the message but did she reply? no.. no she didn't. messaged steph..but shes not home so thats ok. savhanna being the doll she is said she will try getting the time off and take me.. FYI.. she lives in Cali.. meaning she would come down here.. just to take me to prom. shes a sweet heart. and just that makes me smile a little. but the thing is.. even if savhanna does go with me.. BECKY was supposed to go.. we had this planned since the BEGINNING of the year!!!!!!!! she had all year to save up $50. actually.. she only really needed to save up $26 because im sure one of her friends has a prom dress or something she would have been able to borrow for the night. and it gets me really mad that she has no problem posting bulletins asking people for money to do random things but when it comes to me...its like im pushed aside or something. sooo.. like i have mentioned earlier in this entry.. i am most likely going to prom alone. even my sister had friends to go with.. but no.. not me. i will be ALONE at my first and last prom ever.. pretty awesome yeah?i mean.. that doesn't show that im a loser or anything right? nahhhh NOT AT ALL!!! i sooo have friends. i SOOO have a life!!!

another thing that bothers me.. is that my way of semi-venting.. (even though it doesn't really help) is by typing in a online journal.. because i have no one to talk to. i have no one to hang out with really. i mean yeah.. i hung out with trish today. but its like no one really wants anything to do with me. they don't want to go to know me. .when they do.. yeah we talk for a little. then all of a sudden..KAH-BOOOOOOM!!! just like that.. gone. they don't answer mesages when you want to hang out.. they don't call. .they def DON'T ask you to hang out. .ever.. or even make a effort to see you. nothing. your kinda just... you know.. there.. there for when they need you or something. and im sick of it.. I AM SICK OF BEING A PUPPET!!! just another person in thr crown.. another fish in the sea.. another cloud in the sky. .you pick any of thoes medaphores.. really its your choice. i can go on if you wish.

i can't wait till i graduate. ill never have to go back to that place ever again if i don't want to.. it will be great. of course.. i WONT go back. Cali for 2 weeks.. im going to come back a different person. i need that vacation so much.. no one even understands. im going crazy here in PA. a few more months and i might be labled leagally insane. we all know that wouldn't be good. i am going to change. everything i can change will be changed. i want to try and make new friends. ill be more outgoing. more crazy and fun. that seems to be the...uhh.. in thing these days you know? silly me.. "didn't anyone ever tell you you shouldn't do things for other people.. you should be yourself.. do things for yourself?" i know thats what your thinking. thinking im some kind of freak. .thats why i don't fit in right? because i do what others want me to? WRONGOOOOO!!!!!!! i do not. i be myself. myself. (right now) is a girl who is shy. likes being different. doesn't have one style but has many. might like dressing kinda fun and crazy one day.. then layed back the next. you know.. boy shorts and polos and what not. that seems to be my fovorite these days. anyway.. thats not the point of this story.. or shall i say paragraph. the point is.. im not going to be doing what others think i should be doing. .im not going to be who others want me to be.. im going to be doing what i want to do and be who i want to be. all these changes are to better myself.. for me.. no one else. of couse i hope they like the new me. i hope my "making friends power" inprooves. maybe people will stop ditching me.. will start making a effort and want to hang out with me. with start answering me when i need to talk instead of just leaving me to hang when im going insane. im there for them to talk to.. so its only fair they return the deed don't you agree?

anyway. i think maybe i might be able to put my mind to ease and get a little shut eye.. well i hope so anyway. of course, (i seem to use that phrase a lot) what might happen is... me putting my computer down and closing my eyes as my head rests on my soft and fluffy pillow.. and then BOOOM! once again. the thoughts rush through my mind like batman driving the batmobile. hopefully i will avoid that situation tonight though.. and just able to control my thoughts.. put them in the grave where they belong

thanks for reading.. if there were any readers.. this might be for my own health since its the only thing thats lets me complane as much as i want and not say one word. =) it also lets me be the horrible speller that i am without complaints.
goodnight.
Sunday, April 8th, 2007
2:56 pm
sometimes..
i can't stand her.. sitting there thinking everyone should be as good as her.. she puts everyone down who isn't.. and everyone down that is more successful then her.. why are you complaining? its not your life just let it go.. if someone though they were cool back in high school.. now living in a house can't pay their bills and are posting blogs on myspace about how they regret their past and blah blah blah. ok.. thats their life.. their mistakes.. not everyone is as good as you..people do make mistakes.. not everyone avoides life like you have. the only reason you don't have any drama in your life or whatever is because you never walked out of the house other then for school and work.. you don't go looking for friends and the only friends you do have.. live really far away.. if you even want to call them friends.. how can you consider someone a friend unless you met them. .amybe a internet friend but thats all. your pretty..your smart.. just get up and get out.. stop hiding from the world.. what are you afraid of? stop making other peoples lives your drama.. its not your life your not the one whos living it therefor...its not effecting you in any way.. you don't even talk to the people. i could see if all your friends (people you hang out with) are doing drugs and waisting their lives away and stuf.. i can see then how its your buisness.. but if someone you couldn't stand in highschool. and barely talked to and stuff.. who cares. let them mess up.. it doesn' matter.

happy easter! WOO SO happy. im getting really jealous of my.....friends..... pot heads, drug addicts.. alcoholics.. they don't feel a thing.. why can't i just....do that. ugh.
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007
11:53 pm
all these memories.
rubber chicken head.. old party videos.. becky is going to put his song on a cd for me. i miss him.. i keep forgetting that hes gone. god i can't even say it enough. whoever reads this is probaly like.. "ok enough already" and im so sorry.. but this is my way of venting.. i don't talk to anyone. so...talking to a online journal.. plus the typing.. kinda helps a little i guess. its like one min hes here...the next hes not.. im so afraid of losing another friend.. or even myself. i don't think i can deal with this again.. knowing that for the rest of my life there is going to be a on and off happiness. im not even sure if i can deal with it now.. its one thing when someone passes from a natural cause...or a freak accedent.. yeah..it bothers you.. yeah theres a lot of pain involoved but when someone takes their own life...it hurts so much.. knowing they wernt happy..knowing maybe you could have helped.. you could have been there and you wernt.. its so strange how life can change so quickly.. without you knowing it.. one second passes and the rest of your life can change.. i don't like that.. i don't like it at all.. i would do anything to go back.. to take things back.. talk to him more.. go on that date.. hes one of thoes people who can make you fall in love with him.. fall in love with his friendship the first day you meet. i miss his smile.. he was always smiling.. whenever i saw him anyway.. but obviously that smile was fake.. i knew he wasn't happy..why didn't i do more to help? god i don't even know what to do anymore. i don't know what to think. i don't think i can live with this.. this on and off happiness stuff.. one day it doesn't bother me.. of couse i think about him everyday. but most of the time when i think of him.. i don't realize hes gone.. but its coming to me now.. and i know im going to forget again.. and then it will come to me agian.. and go and come.. for ever.. im not sure im that strong.. that i can deal with that for the rest of my life.. i just don't know.
Monday, April 2nd, 2007
4:12 pm
why do all good things come to a end?
1 year for shawn.. im getting scared.. i didn't know shawn but i hear he was a awesome kid. plus erics best friend.. not to much longer for a year for eric...if i feel the pain right now.. even when i didn't know someone...whats it going to feel like then? i can feel everyones sadness and im not even talking to them. in a way i guess im mad at shawn..because if he didn't do it...eric wouldn't have.. why do things have to happen like this? why do lives have to end? its just not right.
Monday, March 26th, 2007
2:33 pm
well here it is
the starting of the time which i love the most. spring is here and summer is just around the corner. not much longer until i turn 19. and yet it feels like i have nothing. smelling the beautiful peacful air outside. hearing cars pass by blasting their music knowing they are most likely going to visit a friend, or going out to have fun. myspace. ooooh myspace. looking at people post new pictures and you know they are having fun when they have a group of friends surrounding them all with smiles on their face. people getting back with their exs. or finding new loves, or new crushes and leaving me out of the picture even as just a friend. why don't i have that? why is it that everyone surrounding me has that and i don't? almost summer now and i sit in my house and waist the warm weather away. i don't have a car to visit my friends. i can't use the van because my mom doesn't want my friends in it. she says im lucky enough to have a car that i can drive to and from school. what about a social life? what about a life outside of school. im not like the others. i don't want to sit around in my house all day and relax. i want to go out and have fun even if im tired. she doesn't seem to understand that though. why is it that i am good enough one day and then the next you want nothing to do with me? what have i done to deserve this? i wish someone would tell me because i would change it in a heartbeat. a lot is still going to change when i graduate. not much more time until that happens either. i want to be able to have a birthday party because ive never had one. doubt any of my friends are going to throw me one. i want a graduation party. again, doubt any of my friends are going to throw one. because they never see me. i have yet to accomplish my flat tummy for cali. i guess what im trying to say is that i wish i was like everyone else. i wish i had what everyone else had. its a lose lose situation. if you try, people don't want to be around you becuse your trying. if you don't try.. well. your not going to get anywhere.
Thursday, March 8th, 2007
6:02 pm
soo
today my mom asked me to stay home because once again the pipes were freezing. as if having guys come yesterday to thaw them out wasn't good enough. hah. anyways i stayed home but there was a catch.. i had to go in the dark, full of spiders, small basement...alone.. to make sure everything was ok and the house didn't catch on fire.. so on the way down there. i started crying cuz its terrifying. i thought i was going to die. lol. i lughed about it later though.

tomorrow is going to be awesome!!! somehow i managed to get like every girl from hazleton to go to the club. =) soo there are going to be a lot of girls. plus becky!!she hasn't been to the club in forever soo. its really going to be great.. which is why i wanted everyone to go.

hmm thats it. =)

oooh no wait wait. no its not!! haha. i got my hair cut. =) i want to be able to put it in a fohawk but. its still a little to long. =/ maybe next time i get it cut i will get it cut really really short.. so i can put it in a fo. =D


ok now thats it. =)
Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
11:03 pm
things
have been ok.
the whole thing with her.. i don't know what my problem is dude. ive never fallen for anyone this hard.. and i know nothings going to come out of this. i know for a fact it isn't but i still can't seem to get past her. its lame.. im lame.
i got my hair cut a lot.. i like it.. a lot. i wanted to be able to put it in a fohawk but i think its still a little to long for it. thats ok. when i graduate im going to show who i am. im going to be who i am instead of hiding in this box. i shouldn't care right now. but the kids in my school or horribal. and im sure they already say things about me.imagine if i went in school with a fohawk? i would die. i can't wait for cali. tj (my cuz) called me today. hes only like..3...or..4 or something. hmm im not sure. but he called me and asked me a whole bunch of questions and stuff. it was nice. then i talked to my aunt. i really hate phones but it was nice to talk to her. i just can't wait to see them! =) and go to disney to. im a little disapointed that my first time going is going to be without my mom and sister. they never went either. and i told my mom i didn't want to go but. shes kind of making me go. im going to enjoy it though. i hate roller coasters a lot but.. im sure ill go on some since its disney! haha. prom is may 11th. becky is still my date which excites me. i thought for sure plans were going to change. but they arent. they are working out the way they were planned. =) i went looking for a dress yesterday with becky.. we saw one. its pink and if has white ruffles on the side. me and my mom went over the weekend. and we went to this bridal place.. they had really nice ones. i want to bring becky there to see if she likes any. i look horribal in a dress.. like.. really really bad. haha. shes wearing a tux.. how weird is it going to be? people are going to really think were together. haha.. and becky is probably going to hit on some people. and ill cry because all the people in my school.. just no.. only kristina and leah.. she can hit on them. thats all. lol. mm ok bye.
Saturday, February 24th, 2007
4:14 pm
wow
the club was crazy.. well i mean not really but for me it was. my goal to see steph and laura b.. incomplete. laura b told me today that she say me but..i obviously didn't see her. hah. and she told me steph didn't even show up. soo.. im kinda happy she didn't. never again. i seem to say that everytime but im going to try and make this the last time i will have to say it.
Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
10:38 pm
yeahhh.
.....yeah... hahahaha...what?
Sunday, February 18th, 2007
7:40 pm
what
is wrong with me? i don't know whats going on.
yesterday was 4 months for eric..and i didn't even know.. i didn't look at the date or anything. but i guess in a way i knew? i don't know.. its been getting so hard lately. everything i do...everything that goes on reminds me of him. his name echos in my mind. im tired of leaving him messages...IMing him and him not answering. i want to hear his voice so bad. i want him to tell me that everything is ok.that nothing really happened that all of it was just a bad dream for everyone. im so angry with him. i just wanna hit him and scream at him! hes so kind..such a sweetheart. i feel like i have noone to turn to. hes always the one who told me he was there. hes the one i knew would be there. he would drop everything he was doing to talk to me. and if he couldn't i know he would talk to me through his phone.. or call me or something i know he would. thats just the way he was...is..i feel like all that is gone now. like it was to good to be true.. whats happening to the world? why is it that everyone thinks theres no way out. noone to talk to when deep down you know everyone would stop what they were doing.. even if it was the most important thing to do to talk to him. theres so much i would love to tell him.. so much.. i need him.. i need to talk to him. i NEED to talk to him! and i can't...so much has changed in just 4 months..only 4 months and the world has changed so much. how is that possibal? it shouldn't be that way.why does it still hurt so much? is it going to be like this forever? time is going by so slow but so fast. i sit and think.. wow...4 months.. it went by so quick.. but then you think and its like...4 months.. its a long time... i don't know everything is just so confusing. i want answers.. i want him to take me out...like he was suppost to.. and tell me why.. why couldn't i save him? i told him.. i made sure he knew i was ALWAYS here for him. i told him that over and over and he didn't even say goodbye!!!!!!!!! hes such a jerk. now ive gone from sad to angry!
UGH!!!!!!
1:30 am
its my fault
i feel like im to blame for not being able to hang out with friends.. im the reason they wecame distant. i feel like its all my fault because i can't use my car. if i was able to use it.. then we would still hang out. i try finding rides.. i try finding them rides.. but it doesn't work. it feels like noone wants anything to do with me and its my responsibility because i can't drive the car. i know its not my fault that the car is a big pile of junk but still. maybe im not makeing as much as a effort as i should be? maybe i can be trying harder? i don't know. i just really miss everything. it just sux anymore.

graduation and cali soon. i can't wait to start my life over.
i love okami =) <3 hes the best puppy. its sad to know im depending on a puppy to love to.. so i would finally feel cared for.. so i would finnaly have someone to care for.. but i guess its better than nothing. he can be so anoying.. hes just a puppy.. i mean i put him in his cage at night cuz were training him. .and he barks and cries and stuff. i feel horribal but.. he calms down and falls asleep. =) and he bites everything! including your hands but its like hes teething so. i know he doesn't mean to hurt ayone. i feel horrible cuz when he does something bad im the one who yells at him. because he has to learn whats wrong and right.. so i keep thinking hes going to hate me but iknow he wont. i love the little bugger<3333 haha.
Friday, February 16th, 2007
4:48 pm
snow can be fun




the only man ill ever love <333 =)
Monday, February 12th, 2007
7:04 pm
YEAH EXCITEMENT!<3
i get to bring my puppy home tomorrow. do you know how excited i am!? me and him are going to run around in the snow togeather!!!!! =D <3333333333333333
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